Girl Talk
by JaerWolfe
Summary: Why should guys have all the fun?


_For Sesheta255 and the rest of the Kaidan Alenko Support Thread_

* * *

"Okay, Shep. Boxers or briefs?"

Shepard blinked and pulled her focus from the mug in front of her to the partially dressed women standing next to her table in the mess area, a determined expression on her face. "Honestly, Jack, I thought you went commando all the way. I'd have put money on it."

Jack gave her a smirking grin. "You'd have won, too, sister. Now answer the question. Does Kaidan wear boxers or briefs?"

"And why would I answer that?"

Slightly taken aback, Jack narrowed beautiful features. "Because I asked." The tone in her voice held a very belligerent 'duh'.

"You can ask to sleep with him to find out and you'll get a slightly different response." Shepard gave her a sweet smile.

Jack's eyes moved up and away, losing their focus on the conversation, a smile coming to her lips.

Shepard reached over and smacked her on the back of her bald head. "That's my happy place, Jack. Stay out of it."

Swearing, rubbing where she'd been hit, Jack glared at her. "You have no right keeping him for yourself."

"Kaidan keeps himself very well, Jack, but let me give you a fair warning." Shepard settled back in her chair. "Try anything with him and he'll laugh and gently tell you no. I, on the other hand, will get my Widow Maker out and start at your feet." Shepard's smile wasn't quite as sweet, but it was just as sincere.

"That's selfish, Shepard." Jack accused glaring at her.

"Cry me a river." Shepard yawned. "If you need to take care of an itch, Jack, find someone else."

Jack scowled, sulking. "Mordin already took care of that for me."

Shepard's head jerked back as she stared at the younger woman, not entirely sure she'd heard what she thought she had. Mordin was an old guy…Salarian…whatever…wasn't he? How could he possibly have kept up with Jack? "You had Mordin take care of your itch?" The words were incredulous and the thought of the two having sex sent a shudder of revulsion up her spine. "No wonder you're after Kaidan."

"Yeah, I'm clean and everything." Jack began drumming her fingers on the table. "What do you think of Jacob?"

"I try not to." Shepard replied instantly, grateful for something else to talk about. "It took Mordin and Chakwas both to clear out whatever was in the air ducts in the Weapons Hold that kept making my throat all husky and weird every time I talked to him. Poor guy thought I was hitting on him. Made things very awkward. I started completely avoiding the place and him."

Jack focused on Shepard again. "Why not Jacob? What's wrong with him?"

Shepard shrugged. "How should I know? He's not Kaidan and that was good enough for me."

Determined, chewing on her bottom lip, Jack scowled at the wall.

"We could ask Miranda." Shepard offered with marked hesitation, wondering why she was prolonging this discussion.

"Ask Miranda what?" The woman in question walked from her office and stood next to the table both women sat at.

"Do you think Kaidan wears boxers or briefs?" Jack demanded instantly, crossing her arms over her chest as she confronted the Cerberus operative.

Shepard leaned over and smacked the back of her head again which set Jack off on a torrid of foul language.

Miranda's brow narrowed as she considered the matter. "I can't really see him as a briefs sort. Tight, constricting elastic." She shook her head. "No. I believe he's more of a boxers man."

"I believe I will pull my gun out and start shooting if you don't change the subject." Shepard stated in pointed tones.

"What about Jacob?" Jack questioned in almost friendly tones.

Shepard stared as Miranda pulled out a chair and settled next to the woman who had tried to bash her head in with a chair not so long ago.

"Briefs." Miranda stated without hesitation. "He has this yellow pair with a smiley face on the front, if you can believe it."

"Get out." Jack kicked back laughing.

"I kid you not." Miranda shook her head. "Let me tell you how careful you have to be with battlefield flirting. The initial sex is wonderful, don't get me wrong. I'm particularly fond of remote places on whatever ship you're traveling on, but then it gets to the awkward 'should we commit, should we not' stage and it kills all the fun."

Shepard wondered desperately whether or not she had fed her fish that morning and if that could be a valid reason to get the hell away from this conversation. She just knew the next time she saw Jacob all she'd be able to think about was whether or not he had a happy grin over his Mr Happy and that was going to ruin any attempt at rational speech.

"Most of the time I don't bother getting their name." Jack shrugged. "Easier that way."

Miranda gave a grave nod, considering the words. "I can see how that would have helped some rather unremarkable hook ups I've had. But what if they're worth a repeat performance?"

"I should go." Shepard stood, picking up her mug.

"Oh, don't. I was just about to join you." Tali said effectively blocking the Commander by sitting on her other side. "What were we discussing?"

"Whether Kaidan wears boxers or briefs." Miranda said and Jack immediately moved out of range of Shepard's long arms.

Shepard bit off a groan and began to drink her synthprotein.

"Ah, now there is a Pilgrimage I would like to go on." Tali said with an almost reverent tone.

Shepard spit the synthprotein all over the far wall and began coughing.

"Watch out, she hits." Jack warned instantly moving farther away from the Commander.

"Shepard, are you okay?" Tali leaned closer.

"Boxers, dammit! Now drop the subject!" Shepard finally shouted when she could, surging to her feet so she could glare at all of them. "Kaidan Alenko wears blue boxers!"

Dead silence fell across the entire deck, including the small group of men who had just rounded the corner from the elevator.

Shepard looked up and saw the painful blush working its way over Kaidan's shocked features. Slowly she sat down and began to bang her head against the table.

Miranda, Jack and Tali exchanged one glance and then quickly stood, remembering somewhere else they needed to be. Just before they separated Miranda leaned over to Jack and hissed in her ear. "I told you."


End file.
